Toni's Thoughts, health »

Well today I am headed to The Breast Center for my ultrasound/mammo (whichever they decide to go with, hoping the ultrasound) and biopsy.  Now for those of you reading my blog I have gone through this before but it doesn’t get any easier the subsequent time, no matter how confident you are that everything will be okay.  Well I hope I am headed there, hoping they didn’t close due to weather, I don’t think I can handle any more waiting.

While the back of my mind is saying “It’s all going to be fine, results will be normal” there are always the What if’s in your mind.  I mean you never think anything really bad as far as health is concerned will happen to you until you are old and even then you may be healthy until the day you die.  You think this for your family members as well and then bam out of the blue two young females in your family get breast cancer within months of each other and well it makes your mind go all sorts of ways.

I remember the first time I went through this and found the big mass and it all came back fine but then shortly after my mom (who had been praying for me through my ordeal) got diagnosed with breast cancer.  I remember thinking to myself, what if she had never prayed for me,  would it have been me and not her like it was my fault or something.  I know I know that’s irrational thinking but for a moment I did think that.  Now here I am faced with another small lump and having watched my mom and aunt go through what they did my mind wanders.

In a worst case scenario the thing that has affected so many of my family members is what I will have (though I am hoping, praying that it is not that scenario).  I watched my mom go through chemo and radiation and she was so strong it was so amazing the strength she had.  If I were faced with that situation would I be able to have that same strength, part of me isn’t so sure I would. I worry, I am what my husband calls a hypochondriac thinking the worst when it comes to medical things, even though more than likely it will all be fine.  I figure if I am prepared for the worst (even though I have faith it won’t come to that ultimately) then I will be relieved when it is better than what I expected.  Does that make sense?

Well I believe I am rambling now, if you would keep me in your thoughts this morning and the next few days until I get the results. I don’t like the needle thing they used last time so I will be asking for that valium…I may come home and tweet pure nonsense if my husband doesn’t stop me (hopefully he loves me enough to save me the embarrassment LOL).  But let’s all hope I don’t pass out at the sight of the needle sucky thing, me and needles don’t go well together so this is not going to be one of my better days.  Now i am off to eat a bite before I leave.  I shall update you on my sanity after the procedure when I return.

Here goes nothing.