Why am I a horrible mom or in the term “worst mom ever and I wish you weren’t my mom” as said by my son this morning? Because I made him go to school. Something he has done the last 7 almost 8 years has me coined the worst mom ever. He found out his aunt’s were staying home today because one was sick and the other was staying home with her (yes I have sister’s my sons age) and I instantly became the bad guy.

It’s no different than the times I made him go every other day but because he thinks it’s unfair that they don’t have to go so it’s become the worst day ever. He was not very kind to me in the words he spoke. In fact he downright hurt my feelings and broke my heart. It’s so strange how a child knows just what to say that rips at your soul. I tried to explain to him that because I love him so much I make him go to school, that if I didn’t care about his future I would just let him do whatever he wanted. No love was seen by him and he was so bitter towards me it broke me. It broke me to the point of tears. Not in front of him but once I came home the tears fell and I actually felt like the worst mom ever.

It’s such a strange thing to feel like the worst mom ever when you are actually doing the best thing for your child. Maybe that’s what got me….that he was so angry at me even though I was doing what some children aren’t lucky enough to have their parents do…loving him and making him strive to have the best future possible. I hope one day, when he is through this stage of life, he can look back and say “You know I didn’t realize it but my mom loved me enough to push me, to make me do things I didn’t want to that were beneficial to me”. I hope that one day down the road he realized everything I do for him (as well as his siblings) is to make sure their lives are the best they can be.

Until then I will have to deal with the bitter and angry moments because no matter how they feel in that moment I know I am doing the best thing for him. Have you ever had to deal with your kids saying something that really hurt you to the core? How did you handle it?

Blogging is no easy task, I think every blogger who is serious about it, giving their all, and working their butts off like I do can attest to that. Right now I am just in one of those blogging ruts where no matter what I do it doesn’t seem to be enough or nothing is working out, coming in and it gets discouraging. I mean like really discouraging.

You start to wonder if your email is broken, if there is something you need to change. Really the last year has been tough one for me. After I moved to Florida things seemed to kinda fall by the wayside as if where I lived had so much to do with what I could or could not do, which made no sense to me.  It’s like 90% of what was coming in stopped and it seemed to happen after I moved to Florida

My reach and readership is the same (and has even grown) since I moved from Arkansas so is it just coincidence, I am sure it is.   The last few days have just been so tough and discouraging for me. Maybe my emotions are just on a rampage and tomorrow I will look at this in a new light but today I am sad. Today I am having a hard time encouraging myself. Today I want to know what I do is appreciated. Today I want to get over the feeling of just wanting to give up. I know, I know we all go through this, heck I have even cheered those on who have felt this same way.

Maybe once Greg gets my redesign done and I have a fresh look it will spark encouragement under my tush, after all a new design can be like a breath of fresh air. Today though I am in a blogging rut and my emotions tell me to give up but my heart says to keep going. So pushing through is what I have to do but doing it alone isn’t an option, I just need the support of sweet friends and family. Sometimes that’s just the push you need.  Now I am going to turn on KLOVE and spend some time with God, I think a session with the one who has brought me through so much is just what is needed.

*Snicker, on a side note as I am getting ready to hit publish my son turns Cars on and the line I hear Doc say “Get Back Out There”.  Almost like a little nudge to keep going.

Lesson learned. That.is.all

So off we went to set up and get ready for the arrival of the middle schoolers from the two middle schools in the area. Which by the way I noticed two extremes when I was at this dance in the size arena…middle schoolers are either super tiny and look like they are my middle child’s age or they are massive and look older than me. What happened to looking like the age you are? Looking younger is find but dang some of the middle schoolers were bigger than me in many different ways.

Next was the clothes….if I walked out of the house, at that age, wearing some of the things these little girls were wearing I would have never seen the light of the world until I was old enough to support myself. I saw 6 inch stilettos, shorts with VERY little coverage, one of those cut off shirts (like in flash dance) that you are supposed to wear a tank under…well there was nothing under there and when paired with the tiny shorts it left little to the imagination. I was shaking my head and didn’t know whether to be angry at the parents (if they knew what she was wearing) or pity this poor girl who is obviously barking up the wrong attention tree. There were some appropriately dressed adorable little kids there so not all hope has been lost.

Clothing brings me to the final nail in my scarred for life coffin….the dancing. OMGOSH. I am not kidding when I say I almost threw up, it saddened me to watch these girls. In high school I dirty danced, I am going to fess up right now but even I didn’t dance like this. Girls were doing moves that you will either see in a video like “Salt Shaker” or “Cyclone” or in a strip joint (of course never having gone in one I am just guessing LOL). The parents on the floor were doing the best they could to keep it clean but you can’t monitor every single middle schooler every minute. It was sickening to me and broke my heart for these girls who felt the need to grab the wrong kind of attention. While I didn’t dance near as dirty, I have been there years ago and the kind of attention they are getting is definitely not the kind they really want.

It made me realize how thankful I am that my son has no interest in attending these dances and how glad I was to see him a bit uncomfortable with it all. I may not be able to keep him innocent for much longer but am glad to have him innocent for as long as I can. It also made me realize I hope to instill in my daughter self worth, holding yourself to a high standard and honoring your body. It also made me realize she will never attend a middle school dance unless I am there chaperoning…so not kidding! You can never be too proactive when it comes to making sure they are holding themselves and their standards to a higher level right!

In case you are wondering my son did get out there with a few of his friends half way through the night and did the cha cha slide, but he would have no part of letting me get out there with him something about me embarrassing him LOL. I have to say what middle school was when I was that age and what it is today are two totally different worlds and it makes me wonder what it will be like in 5 years when my daughter and other son are there.

I’m not the only blogger who has had this joy…check out Lynsey’s post “Lessons From A Middle School Dance” to see what she learned!  Her experience was definitely a little different than mine, I am going to have to relay that tip to our dj about the country music threat LOL!

Have you ever chaperoned a middle school dance or been surprised at how middle schoolers today act?

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So Tuesday I headed out to Louisville. I was doing well on time and got to my airport an hour before my scheduled flight time. As I waited I enjoyed the free internet the awesome International Airport of Pensacola had to offer. I gathered all my stuff as it was getting close to boarding time an headed to my gate. I got there and there was no plane in site.

UM, wait I am supposed to be boarding right now and I only have 30 minutes between the time we land and the time my flight in Atlanta takes off. This is a bit worrisome to yours truly here. As I wait, time is ticking by. Speaking of time ticking does anyone realize how slow it goes when you are waiting to do something but when you need it to slow down it goes warp speed. The next thing I know it’s past the time we were supposed to take off and loading is only just starting.

As I am on the verge of having a mild panic attack I am thinking okay this doesn’t mean it’s bad, after all usually in the air you make up time so I will make it. Or so I keep telling myself. All is well and we have a tailwind which is good we will make it close to the time we were supposed to land, like 5 minutes late. I can book it and make my next flight. So we land…

and the gate is occupied….ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Okay, don’t panic, you can run and make it Toni. We finally board and I have 15 minutes until my flight is scheduled to leave and since everyone else is running behind surely it will be too.

If you have ever been to Atlanta airport you know there are concourses and I got out at one end of concourse A and have to make it to the other end of Concourse B….running….in boots. So off I run, make it to the train, off the train and book it to my gate with 3 minutes to spare…WOO HOO!

THERE IS NO PLANE! So now I am wondering did the gate change and I didn’t get the memo. I walk up to the desk to see what is going on and am informed that the plan left 10 minutes ago! WHAT!!!!????!!! It’s not supposed to leave for another ten minutes and I am scheduled for that flight. So she looks me up and says “Oh you were rescheduled because you weren’t going to be able to make it.”

As I try not to cry, collapse and have a heart attack as well as catch my breath enough to say “Are you kidding me” I am informed she is indeed not kidding and I don’t have a flight for an hour and a half. So in other words I was told in a round about way, I just tried to kill myself by running at full speed across a massive airport to make a flight that left early because you knew I wouldn’t make it! Not cool Delta, not cool.

I have decided it should not be illegal to have flights available that only have 30 minutes between them. You should not be able to purchase that flight option. Other than that my flights were uneventful and I was lucky not to end up in the hospital. It took me about an hour to get my breathing to normal, which is the wake up call I needed to realize, even though I am slim, I am not in shape.

Have you ever missed a flight or had a close connection like that?

It’s Friday and I am starting something new in the new year. If you want to join in please do, it’s so much fun learning what other people love. I am going to post “Friday Favorites” each week. I hope to vlog it every week but that will depend on time I have of course. Very simply, it’s a post to share my favorite things with the world!

This week it’s all about the lips..no my favorite things are not lips but rather something to make them “SHINE”. Want to know what I am talking about?  Watch the video then…

So there you have it, I adore M.A.C Cosmetics glass line. High shine, long lasting what more could lips ask for? Here is a complete list of the different lip glass products (not the colors but different types):

• Tinted Lipglass
• Viva Glam Gaga Lipglass
• Gareth Pugh for M.A.C. lipglass
• Glitter and Ice Dazzleglass
• Creamsheen Glass
• Dazzleglass
• Lustreglass
• Plushglass
• Pro-long wear lipglass
• Pro-long wear gloss coat
• Clear lipglass
• M.A.C. & Marcel Wanders Lip Gloss

I am sure more of M.A.C.’s products will be on my Friday Favorite’s but this is the first thing I thought of when this segment came to mind.   Please feel free to join in next Friday and share something favorite of yours…or heck, join in today and share your link in the commets below.

Do you have a favorite lip product?

*I was not asked to post this and the product featured in this post was purchased by me, I wanted to share because it’s one of my favorite products.

It’s freezing here on the world’s whitest beaches. Beaches and freezing do not go together well. However it has turned me into an indoor pyromaniac. Not because I like to, by official definition play with fire, but rather I am loving being able to brag and say I made the house warm just like hubby does.

You see it’s usually him who is the fire master in the house, however he did eventually have to return to his job outside of the home after the holidays. It was in this moment I realized “holy smokes I am going to have to heat the house without him AND without a heater“. As I am sure you guessed, panic momentarily set in until I realized my phrase for 2012 “BIG and BOLD“, so off I trucked to get some wood…from the front porch.  In I came at the peachy hour of 6:07 a.m. and got to fire making. Before I continue, a little side story.

Nature and I do not mix well, unless it’s me in a bathing suit laying out on the white sand then we mix just fine. However trees, grass, wood, fire, and myself are not on friendly terms. I don’t like nature and unless it’s spring or summer and warm, nature doesn’t care for me either…why else would she bring freezing temperatures to Florida?

I am happy to say that not only did I successfully get the fire going, I have a nice set of coals keeping the fireplace hot that blazes the next piece of wood I throw on. No heater, no problem! I couldn’t be prouder of myself. 2012 is going to be one HOT year…pun totally intended. Now with this kind of luck I forsee a Disney and/or Universal rep contacting me about the family trip I am going to be taking this year.

Fire….check! Bring it on 2012, we are going to have a GREAT year!

I still remember this day as if it just happened yesterday, the lives lost, the way our country banded together, the feelings of horror, hurt, and shock.  Everyday for the rest of my life I will remember what I was doing and where I was when I found out about the attacks on our country.

On September 11, 2001 I awoke to start my day like normal.  I raised, turned on the television that was on early morning shows and nothing out of the ordinary was going on.  I woke my son (almost 2 at the time), fed him and got him ready for day care.  As with every morning, I took a little extra time and care with him, making sure to love on him, laugh with him and treasure the fun moments before we parted for the day.    Finally the time came to take him to school, we load in the car and I turn on my CD and we jammed out on the way to school.  Nothing out of the ordinary was going on in our world…or so I thought.  I dropped him off, running in making sure to hug him tight.  Headed home to throw on my work clothes and head into work.

The morning news shows at this time would have been reporting about that first plane, but I didn’t get to see that yet.  I remember walking into my work and seeing the faces of my co workers in shock and wondering what was going on.  Then the words came out of my friend and co workers mouth “America is being attacked”.  As my mind took in what she was saying it was like a my world stopped.  I tried to digest what she was saying and I hear the muffled news updates in the background.  As I remember to breathe I am seeing faces of everyone I love and wondering what this means for our country.  What will happen to my family, my friends?  I want at that moment to turn around, drive as fast as I can and go get my son and hold him tighter than I ever have.

Knowing that I can’t leave, I breathe and regain my composure as everything around me still seems a fuzzy dream.  I focus as best I can as we stand around with customers watching the news to see what is going on and  why.  I remember all day feeling anger, at the people behind this.  Sorrow for the lives lost.  Amazement at the people who risked their lives to save so many.  Awe at the way our country, who is more often than not divided, joined together.  There were no races, no genders, no ages, we were all one.  We were all supporting each other, we were all hurting, angry and in shock.  Everyone praying, hoping, listening.

Over the next few weeks I collect video, magazines and papers of this horrendous moment that caused our country to all support one another.  I remember watching our President handle things that no President should ever have to deal with and I was just amazed with him.  I remember sitting every night holding my son as close to me as I could because so many parents lost children that day.  I remember calling my mom at least 10 times a day because I thought about the children who lost parents.  I remember making sure my friends new how much I cared because of how many friends were lost on this day.

The pictures of that day such as this one (below) will always be in my mind and just as clear as the first time I saw them.

I will forever remember the stories of lives lost to protect our country on the plane that went down.  I will forever remember the lives lost because they were on those planes or in the twin towers.  I will remember the images of the crashes into the towers, the pentagon and the field.  But what I will remember and hold dear forever is the way our country was not separated by anything that day but rather we were all on one page, we were all joined in unity.  It should not be on this day only that we remember and join together but rather everyday we should strive to support each other as we all did on that day.

9/11/01 is a day not one American will forget (the ones that understood what was going on).  A day that for as long as we will go on we will think of lives lost willingly (by taking down a plane or going into a building to save others) or unwillingly (being on a plane that crashed into a building or simply being in the office that day), the heroes, the parents that lost children and children that lost parents.  The place we were when we heard and what we felt.  It’s a day that for as long as I live will always seem like it was only yesterday.

Thank you to those who risked their lives to save others.  Thank you to those who sacrificed their lives to make sure someone else lived.  Thank you to the families who have shown what it means to have strength.

September 11, 2001  is a day that brought America together when someone was trying to tear it apart.

This is a repost of a post I posted September 11, 2009. With today being 10 years to the day I felt this still best expressed my feelings from that day and thought it best to re-share this post. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years but I remember every moment about my day that day. When I recently went to NYC I went by the WTC site and saw the building being done and it choked me up as I stood there. Please keep reading and let’s all remember the people who lost their lives and those who lost loved ones this day. Let’s remember what a united country we were and work to be that way from now one.

I don’t question a lot of things. I have a pretty open heart but sometimes the strength I exude on the outside isn’t what I am really feeling inside. I am strong for everyone. I am happy for everyone. I don’t get angered easily. I smile because I don’t want the world to know what is going on but rather I help others through their valleys, then I don’t have to focus on mine.

If I don’t focus on it, it will get better or just go away. Or that’s what I tell myself. I used to have friends I talked to every day and just talking to them made my day brighter. Times change and people get busy. I still have wonderful friends who I would trust with my life and my kids lives but I miss the friends I have that I laughed and cried with on a daily or at the very least a weekly basis.

People judge me based on other things than actually taking time to get to know me. People don’t take time to get to know me, to know who I am. They see the happy me I put out there most of the time. They don’t see the days I feel I am in a deep pit and feel like I am drowning. Maybe that’s partly my fault because of the hurts I have had from people I trusted it’s hard for me to let people in. But when you look past the smile you will see someone who has a wonderful life yes, but still wants to know she is needed and wanted.

I want to know I have a friend who will know when something is wrong and will pick up the phone and call. I used to have several friends like that but things happened, distance happened, and now I wonder if I will ever have that type of friend again. The one who feels when something is wrong or right with me.

I thought it was strength that made me be strong for everyone else, strength that made me paste the smile on my face even when I am hurting so I can help others that are hurting, strength that made me say “it’s okay to help others my time will come” but now I wonder if what I thought was strength may actually be weakness in some circumstances.

And I end with this. I miss the ones who used to be and hope to have the ones so connected to me I don’t need to tell them anything but rather they just know again. I know God has a plan and the perfect friends, real friends, for me. Until then I will just hide under His wing and let him give me the strength I need. He is my comforter. He is my friend. He is the one who will bring me out of the hard times. I just have to trust.

This photo was taken about 3 weeks before my oldest was born.  I look back on it and it makes me want another.  Surely I am not the only one who misses these moments?